LISTENING FROM THE HEART
Originally published in The Mancos Times – March 14, 2012
In my listening of others – myself as well – I hear the frustration and upset we have with others, especially when they are being themselves. Do we tend to resist accepting them for who they are? What we resist does persist, does it not? We so often store and contain angst, anger, despair and frustration within ourselves while waiting for them to come around. Likewise do we engage in futile efforts to meet our needs and desires with efforts to “change” them. Waiting, waiting, to see them become who we want them to be.
In Robert Frost’s poem “Mending Wall,” published way back in 1914, a discussion occurs between two neighbors as they “walk the line” of the wall fence between their properties, making repairs as they go. They have a dialogue as to the advantage and purpose of the wall, one convicted in the belief that “good fences make good neighbors,” the other not seeing the purpose – “before I build a wall I’d ask to know what I was walling in or walling out.”
So perhaps with relationships, we may question why there should be boundaries. Why not let a laissez faire approach exist between the communications and actions of people who disagree? Let the debate and banter lead to a natural resolution, let the arguments continue, perhaps the one who speaks loudest or longest will prevail and solve the problem – not really! At best a lose-win stand-off often occurs, perhaps more frequently a lose-lose conclusion happens, with wounds open, with now another set of scars beginning.
Boundaries are as essential in relationships and communications as they are in facilitating a level of agreement and peace between nations. Without boundaries do we not invite anarchy to prevail? Firm steadfast boundaries are like castle walls, providing us comfort and safety from the day to day marauding that goes on around us.
Fear not, though, there is hope and peace for us, for humanity with this. Perhaps we need only do a few actions, and miracles will unfold before us:
1. Take our time and get clarity with what we want for ourselves. What does our heart tell us? What do we want out of the relationship, and how does this fit in with what we want with our life dreams and desires.
2. Get clarity with who they are – not “why” but “what” they are – without judgment but clear objectivity, with empathy for who they have become. They can’t help themselves with being themselves…GET IT. We need not agree with them, but it is only prudent to accept them for who they are. It is a guaranteed frustration not to.
3. Set boundaries carefully. Establish fences, so to speak, that are clearly communicated in a proactive manner; in a kind and forthright manner. Discuss this with them well in advance of the next confrontation or eruption taking place.
4. Establish clear consequences for anyone who makes an effort to broach the fence – our boundary.
Perhaps the real root of the issue is not another’s behavior with being themselves, but our lack of clarity with them, with ourselves, in knowing our limits and our unwillingness or inability to be resolute in following through with calmly thought out and communicated consequences?
How many people will try to climb a fence that is clearly marked “electrified danger do not touch or you WILL be shocked.” My experience is that when boundaries are clearly communicated and consequences made non-negotiable, they ARE respected. Not many folks trying to cross the DMZ in Korea are there?
For those who do attempt to cross the line, do what you said you will do, which may mean walk away. Do remember, however, that we do not need their permission to establish OUR boundaries and consequences. We need only choose them wisely then firmly and KINDLY communicate them in advance.
Michael Starr is the owner of Executive Coaching Services. He can be reached at www.executivecoachingservices.net or by calling 501-585-1302