LISTENING FROM THE HEART
Originally published in The Mancos Times – May 2, 2012
In my listening to others – myself as well – I occasionally hear how someone has been nice but at the same time as been most unkind. Is this not a cultural time of being “PC,” being politically correct with our language, our sharing as well? Doing all we can to avoid offending others, at times getting to the point of being disingenuous with what we believe and who we are, all in the name of “not making waves.” Is there not a huge chasm between avoiding failure upset and bringing joy and love with people? Does not one of these approaches (failure avoidance) focus on personal comfort by minimizing risk for oneself by playing it safe, making it easy on ourselves? Does not the other approach require a level of willingness to be vulnerable and be open to rejection.
Though many “kind” people are also “nice”, the contrary often is not observed by others, myself, to be true. I have come to view being “nice” as being polite, as something folks do to serve their best interests with “being liked” and avoiding any type of disagreement or conflict so there is no discomfort with another. Though there is nothing inherently wrong with being “nice” with a pleasant tone of voice and accommodating agreeable manner, there is something wrong when it is done without integrity, committing to do something and not following through with it because they were more interested in ending the conversation on a positive note than being depended on to do what they say. There is something perhaps missing when they have little true interest in another’s heart. With friends who avoid telling us uncomfortable truths and are insincere with their agreement with us, are they not hurting us in the long zxrun with this “being nice” approach?
“Nice” people will look out after their own best interests and always be mindful, if not single minded, about the impact on their personal discomfort and inconvenience with commitments or obligations. Are they not primarily motivated with making themselves feel good with little true regard for another? “Kind” people on the other hand wish to know your heart, your dreams and desires and nurture them with genuine praise and encouragement as well. KIND people are inherently selfless in their motivation with others, especially their friends, “Doing Things,” “Taking Actions,” they work to understand what it is that will bring peace, health, and joy for us. KIND people find their satisfaction in bringing comfort and acknowledgement to us without concern for the personal risk to themselves in being rejected, misunderstood, or unappreciated.
Not to judge here, but to distinguish and discern a difference for NICE people cannot help being who they are, perhaps because of how they were raised and grew up as children, perhaps living with a scarcity mentality or within an abusive household. That said, I select friends who are KIND, those are the ones I most nurture and spend time with. And yes, some of these kind souls who love me, and I they, were not always kind but once “only nice.” Some of the rest were once neither nice nor kind, as I once was. I have forgiven myself for this (not all have forgiven me, however) and I wake each day with a commitment to being KIND to others, to myself as well, for I have come to see that people do not really care how much we know until they know how much we care, how much we truly are interested in them and their lives. When we, when I, open our heart to another and become vulnerable, it is this courage and willingness to take this risk with them that clearly speak both our faith and commitment for them.