LISTENING FROM THE HEART
Originally published in The Mancos Times – March 28, 2012
In my listening of others – myself as well – I occasionally see us make remarkable progress with our journeys toward achieving clarity in distinguishing our boundaries and limits within a relationship. After wisely separating our baggage from theirs, we can then begin to see what our limits are without being manipulative with them. Noticing what behavior by another brings angst, anger, frustration, fear – upset for us. It is no small accomplishment to objectively understand our lines of demarcation with another – those actions by “them” where we feel disrespected, threatened, neglected or diminished by the other.
We all do have the right to feel we can trust another, feel safe and sincerely respected cared for by them as well. Perhaps the truly challenging part of improving relationships through this process of identifying boundaries and subsequent consequences, is how to communicate this to another.
My experience is that having the knowledge and understanding with our limits is but a foundation and, as such, only the beginning. Many of us – I especially – struggle with how best to communicate these outer limits in a kind and effective manner, minimizing others getting on the defensive, or becoming offended. This indeed is an area fraught with negative karma and animosity with another. When we blame them make them wrong, issue ultimatums in a pushy manner, we can trigger explosive results or leave them feeling inadequate or unappreciated or attacked, perhaps feeling manipulated as well.
Perhaps the easy part is getting clarity with our boundaries as difficult as that may be. The real challenge is sharing this with another in a manner that honors them and honors ourselves as well. So how do we best present this to them in a manner in which they will be most receptive, most willing to understand and respect our position here?
Is not our desire to show them how their actions negatively impact us, to convince them that we are indeed hurt when certain interactions occur with them? Are we not wishing to convince them of our position by making our case in a manner in which they begin to better understand us or have empathy for us?
Of course!
So in my recent research and journey with this I have found the following approach – formula if you wish – as one way to accomplish this in a peaceful manner far better than what I have been doing for the last half century, which, more often than not, was a dismal failure in selling my case, so to speak.
Here is what I have found:
Cardinal rule – make it 100 percent about me and not them by saying the following:
When you
I feel
I want
If you…
I will
Example (remember to make this 100 percent about you, with no demand for them to change.)
WHEN YOU tell me I am stupid or dumb…
I FEEL angry, inadequate and discouraged because I need to feel proud of myself.
I WANT you to calmly explain a concern you have with a behavior of mine when it arises and not use demeaning words like idiot, stupid, or moron.
IF YOU do use words which diminish me or are speaking in an angry demeaning way I WILL remind you of this conversation then leave the room and separate from you for a while by taking a walk, or drive, or being in a different room from you.
Make it 100 percent about yourself, knowing you have no control over them. There is little wiggle room to perhaps consider with negotiating the consequences, but once you decide on those consequences, CARRY THEM OUT each and every time, eventually escalating the consequences to be more impactful if necessary. You will find a life-changing sense of calm and peace if you sincerely use this process and will most likely nurture a healthy mature relationship with another as well. Boundaries and consequences kindly communicated do not cause relationship problems but minimize them, possibly eliminating them and cultivating joy and harmony in your relationship.
I leave you with this supposed quote from Al Capone: “you get a lot more done with a few kind words and a gun than you do with a few kind words alone.” So be most committed and resolute with your consequences if and when your boundaries are crossed.
Michael Starr is the owner of Executive Coaching Services. He can be reached at www.executivecoachingservices.net or by calling 501-585-1302