LISTENING FROM THE HEART
Originally published in The Mancos Times – February 1, 2012
In my listening of others – myself as well – I notice that with interactions and communications, occasionally someone becomes offended and disconnects for a time from our relationship. Perhaps we used a word or phrase that triggered a strong emotional feeling in the other; perhaps there was a misunderstanding and they inaccurately drew a conclusion about us and our intentions that was just not true? Maybe, we just plain “screwed up” by being disrespectful, short, insensitive or inaccurate? Being that there are few saints around us these days, are we not by and large all humans? Are we not at times fragile, sensitive, vulnerable to our imperfect perception of others’ acceptance or rejection? Does not our past baggage occasionally show up like a dormant volcano suddenly erupting most unexpectedly with little forewarning?
With our understanding of another and empathy for the humanity in them, with empathy for our own shortcomings as well, should we not consider being the leader and initiate reconciliation?
If it’s to be, it’s up to me. After standing back a bit and reassessing what happened, and we honestly feel that we did do nothing wrong, can we not at the very least say “I am sorry you were offended”; not admitting to fault if we are convinced that we did nothing wrong, but recognizing the fact that they were hurt and upset as a result of our communications together. If their initial response is caustic, let us expect this as well and continue taking “The High Road” in our leadership with reconciliation.
No doubt that some harbor animosity and anger for long periods of time and it is wise to let some time pass before making our efforts with reconciliation. But I have found that I need not wait too long, as it just gets swept under the carpet and festers, only to arise again later like some zombie from the grave. By being wise with our empathy, focusing on being mature and caring, and then, if necessary, retreating if the other is dead set on being “on it,” we can legitimately feel a sense of mature relief for ourselves. We would have done the right thing with planting a seed for healing that just might sprout a bit later. Just because we put ointment on a wound does not mean it will feel okay and heal spontaneously; most likely it will mend much faster with less of a scar left behind to remind. So let us focus our efforts on the process of reconciliation and not the outcome and have faith in this.
So as leaders in reconciliation, let us look for win-win with a most calm and humble manner in our tone of voice and attitude; not with an intent of pummeling them into a state of inadequacy, and certainly not at the price of us wrongfully accepting the burden of blame either. If we were part of the problem, however, should we not admit to this as well and say “ I made a mistake”? Yes, reconciliation is not easy, and indeed does take wise preparation and strength of character to achieve that win-win. Let us be avid students in improving our mastery of this most valuable skill. Nothing hard was ever easy.
Michael Starr is the owner of Executive Coaching Services. He can be reached at www.executivecoachingservices.net or by calling 501-585-1302.