Developing Empathy, Boundaries & Consequences
It is wise to set Boundaries when faced with an ongoing upset with another. The EBC Symbiotic 3 approach can be most beneficial here, with its three interrelated parts: Empathy, Boundaries, and Consequences. The EBC Symbiotic 3 process will lead to increased peace of mind and decreased anxiety, whether with a past hurt or an ongoing difficulty with another. It is vital in helping us move from a mindset of worry and fear to one of calm and confidence.
This process moves us forward from “I am afraid of what they are going to do next and when they are going to do it” to “Bring it on, I am ready. I’ve got this one covered 100%!”.
There are four steps to this process:
1. Objectively define the concern, desired outcome, and why it is important
2. Build your Empathy and compassion for another
3. Define your Boundaries
4. Establish clear, calm, and civil Consequences
1. Objectively define the concern, desired outcome, and why it is important.
Work through the “A to B” Worksheet. Define the problem, the desired outcome, and why it is important. Determine how severe the negative impact is and how it effects your peace of mind. Convince yourself that it is imperative to make progress in resolving or mitigating this upset. Write down the problem statement in an objective manner without any assumptions as to their possible motives. Example: “John often berates me” or “Mary often accuses me of hurting her.” Leave off the “because” motive.
2. Build your Empathy and Compassion towards another.
Work through the “Be the Archaeologist” Worksheet. Use this worksheet to develop your understanding of how others have become who they are. Come to see that who they are is a result of their DNA, environment, and experiences in life. If we had their background, we would act as they do. After Empathy comes compassion, which evokes a desire to be kind and respectful.
3. Define your Boundaries.
After we have come to a place of compassion and understanding with why another could not help being who they are, it is wise to recognize that some aspects of who they are do not sit well with us (and likely never will). Sometimes, severing all ties with another may be appropriate; however, it should be the choice of last resort. This is not an option in some cases, such as with family members or work associates. As previously mentioned, finding a way to stand your ground on today’s battlefield can be appropriate as similar undesirable interactions may likely occur in the future. Some battles are worth engagement, but they require establishing justified Boundaries. By deciding how to handle it best, we can use the same process later when similar circumstances arise.
Boundaries are essential when you continue interacting with a toxic and upsetting set of circumstances or people in your life. Write them down as clearly as you can. These are best viewed as Sacred Boundaries, essential to your physical and mental health. They are a specific line of demarcation between what you find acceptable and unacceptable. Ensure your Boundaries align with your 10 Convictions (see Chapter 14). Be sure the need for this boundary is not a result of your interpretation of their behavior as opposed to actual harmful behavior. Make them simple, and periodically review what they are and why they are important to you.
Notice times when you slip and allow the scorpion to ride on your back once again. Recommit to be resolved with your Consequences. One of the misconceptions about Boundaries is believing someone will change their behavior after we tell them our Boundaries. Often, we express our boundary, then wait and expect them to obey (lol). This is usually not a very effective strategy.
4. Establish Clear, Calm, and Civil Consequences.
If there is reason to believe further interaction with another is likely, it is necessary to establish Consequences you will invoke every time a boundary is crossed. You must have 100% resolve here and do it calmly, kindly, and civilly. Strive to always do so without the drama of anger or outrage. These are best seen as “dispassionate” Consequences. Do so without accusation. Just do it. Make it a matter of fact. Though there is some value in letting another know what your boundary is, it is far more important that you know what the boundary is. Focus on having a well-thought-out and calm consequence that you will unequivocally implement and execute when your line of demarcation is being crossed. “Be the Umbrella Opener”, who opens their umbrella without emotion or drama when outside and it begins to rain.
“Be the Wise Frog” and proactively create some sacred Boundaries where appropriate, and stop giving the scorpion a ride on your back. Developing proactive and reactive habits is an excellent investment of time and energy as it will significantly reduce your fear, anger, anxiety, or despair with another. Without a dispassionate consequence, one day, you may just blow up with an angry explosion like a volcanic eruption you later regret.
Some of the common threads in setting wise Boundaries with Consequences are:
Work at understanding why others are the way they are. Seek to achieve an objective empowering acceptance of what is and who another is.
See that they can’t help being who they are.
Identify your complicity with being a co-conspirator with the upset, and improve yourself here if applicable, as often we too may be part of the problem.
Develop a well-thought-out consequence that avoids accusation and focuses on how it makes you feel and what you will do about it in the future, and do not waiver with your future responses here.
Practice, practice, practice … do not wait for the moment when you are embroiled in an argument or upset to set Boundaries. Be proactive and do it well before that undesirable and predictable repeated pattern with another.
Some examples of the EBC Symbiotic 3 Process
Example 1:
An acquaintance is often rude and insulting with their language. You believe this may have been how their family dynamic existed when they were children. This has been a pattern with them in the past towards me. My response is to calmly state, “As I have told you before… when you say I am stupid, I will not engage with those comments that make me feel disrespected, so I am now ending this conversation … I’m not angry, but I am done talking with you for today.” It is better to avoid accusing or calling them names but focus on how their conversation impacts you. Accusations are typically a trigger for defensive responses. This does take practice well ahead of the interaction.
Example 2:
A boss or co-worker uses “God D*mn” while speaking with me. I find these words to be wrong based on my religious beliefs. I see that they often appear insecure and are easily frustrated. They start cursing when they are stressed out. I speak to them privately and calmly state that those words, “God D*mn,” are upsetting. I calmly and respectfully ask them to try to understand and respect my religious beliefs and not use those words in my presence in the future. Once again, avoid accusing them, but focus on how the behavior makes you feel. It is critical to do this calmly, respectfully, and privately. If the behavior continues, one choice may be to walk away from them when they say those words. Calmly state, “Excuse me. I need to walk away.” Perhaps later, give them a memo or note expressing your position in writing.
Example 3:
A significant other belittles you by often calling you stupid or an idiot. You feel this is verbal abuse, and it is very hurtful. First, take some time and try to understand what is triggering their comments. You may come to see that your significant other is unhappy in their own skin and does not like themselves. Take ownership of your behaviors that may legitimately be inappropriate here as well. You may have allowed this to continue without any Consequences in the past. Make real commitments to improve yourself here, as you may be complicit in these damaging interactions. Much later, after thinking this through calmly, tell them that being called stupid or an idiot or … is very hurtful to you, and you will not engage in those conversations in the future. If it happens in the future, state that you will either leave the room or go for a drive. Then stick to your guns and do it each and every time.
Example 4:
A friend, family member or associate appears to be agitated and looking to engage in an argument. Don’t engage in the argument. Don’t engage with that discussion. You do not need to attend an argument that another is essentially inviting you into.
Example 5:
Another is speaking in a petty and demeaning manner about a mutual acquaintance. Refuse to respond, remain silent.
EBC Symbiotic 3 Worksheet
Step 1. Objectively define the concern, desired outcome, and why it is important (See Worksheet “A to B”):
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Step 2. Build your Empathy and compassion for another, and highlight the key reasons they are as they are (See “Be the Archaeologist” Worksheet):
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Step 3. Define your Boundaries (if applicable):
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Step 4. Establish clear, calm, and civil Consequences that will be invoked whenever a boundary is infringed upon or crossed.
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