Chapter 13, “Forget Forgiving, Go for Self-Exorcism,” presents a method for purging ourselves of long-held hatred, anger, upset, or despair over a past injustice. The method for doing so is called “self-exorcism.” It’s not what happened that causes us to harbor upsetting feelings, but how we perceive it today. To make peace with the past and move forward, unencumbered by this burden of ill feelings, we must begin by having clarity about ourselves, i.e., who we are.
This worksheet provides a guide to assist us with improving both our understanding of self (who we are and why) and our self-awareness (staying clear about our strengths and opportunity areas). Empathy is critical when seeing ourselves objectively and calmly despite feeling unsatisfied or unloved in some areas. Our unwillingness or inability to seek and see the totality of our humanity is one of the leading reasons that limit our ability to make meaningful progress. “What we resist will persist.”
We all have a certain degree of bias in our perceptions of people, places, and activities around us. This bias is only human. Yet, the degree of this bias makes the difference between suffering and peace of mind, between conflict and harmony, between failure and success, between sickness and healing. It is very much in our best interest to have an objective perspective of who we are.
Developing a future effective strategy begins by knowing where we are in the present. For us, this starting point is a clear and empowered view of self. When we see that we are often the source of our suffering and failures, we also know that we can be the source of our happiness and successes. Here, we shift from victim to victor, from entitled to empowered.
Our response to the realities around us can be mired in self-righteousness, defensiveness, fears of abandonment, insecurities, and feelings of inadequacy. The path forward can be a scary one. This journey of objective self-discovery can threaten our current identity and views of purpose and meaning. We very well may sense this to be an existential threat. Objectively, facing the complete picture of who we are and who we are not can be one of the most frightening and uncomfortable actions we may take. To stay the course and not retreat, it is wise to have a vision and mission. To succeed here, I urge you to have an overarching theme. Consider a mission statement similar to this one:
I am committed to having the best life possible for myself as a Betterist. I wish to achieve and appreciate good things. I desire to serve and assist others the best I can. To succeed, I must be honest and clear about who I am. My ability to progress, succeed, have peace of mind, and heal depends on this. I am resolute in my commitment to pursue an objective and empowered view of myself. I have the courage and resolve to do so, as the permanent long-term rewards outweigh the short-term fears and discomfort I may experience during this journey.
Some guidelines for this effort of self-enlightenment are:
Do’s
1. Seek more good.
2. Seek less bad.
3. Seek win-win.
4. Have an abundance mentality – there is enough for me, too.
5. Seek to be better.
6. Use wise, empowering language.
7. Strive for destinations with enjoyable journeys.
8. Make integrity a core value.
9. Be in alignment with your ten convictions.
10. Look for the good in others.
11. Be open to seeing that your reality may not be the wisest one. See the Natural Order Of Things (NOOT) of people and events (as covered in Chapter 5).
12. Begin with Empathy in your dealings with others.
13. Take ownership of developing your skills and talents.
Don’ts:
1. Seek superiority over others.
2. Define yourself with a contra identity based on your worth being contingent upon someone else’s shortcomings or inadequacies.
3. Worry about pleasing others to get their approval and your meaning.
4. Worry about looking foolish or stupid.
5. Ignore toxic relationships.
6. Neglect important relationships.
7. Ignore unhealthy lifestyle habits and routines.
8. Dwell on being entitled.
9. View yourself as a victim.
10. Seek revenge or create your own form of personal justice (If laws were broken, leave it to others to progress this).
Complete this worksheet by answering all areas/questions about yourself.
1. Summarize the following for yourself:
A. Fears
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B. Desires and dreams
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C. Aspirations
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D. Ability to effectively listen to others
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E. Empathy and compassion for others
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F. Strengths
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G. Weaknesses
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H. Ability and desire to encourage others
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I. Career satisfaction
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J. Financial satisfaction
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K. Relationship satisfaction
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L. Resentments
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M. Gratitudes
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N. Health
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O. Fitness
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P. The degree of chaos in your life
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Q. Healthy habits
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R. Unhealthy habits
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S. What actions and activities are fun for you? Do you do them? If not, why?
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T. To what degree do I care about others instead of being consumed with myself?
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U. Do others perceive me as caring about them … how do I know this?
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V. What are the top three opportunities or areas I wish to improve and progress?
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W. How do others see me?
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X. Do I overcommit?
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Y. Am I impeccable with being my word and always do what I say I will do?
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Z. Can others count on me?
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AA. Do others feel safe around me?
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AB. Do I feel anxious, unhappy, or upset often throughout the day?
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AC. Would it be helpful for me to have a mentor, therapist, coach, or trusted confidant?
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AD. Am I optimistic about the future?
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AE. Do I take time to relax?
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AF. Do I celebrate my successes and/or the successes of others?
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AG. Where are there significant disconnects with my G.A.P.s (Goals, Aspirations & Passions) between what I am doing vs. what I desire for myself? These are areas where I may be experiencing a sense of cognitive dissonance.
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AH. What am I most proud of?
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AI. What are my greatest regrets?
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AJ. What is my philosophy of life?
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AK. Why do I think people fail?
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AL. Who are the people I admire, and why?
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AM. What crises am I currently facing?
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AN. What does integrity mean to me?
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AO. How important is it for me to be kind to others?
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Take your time completing this self-assessment. Perhaps you may take a few weeks. If you have a trusted friend, you may wish to seek their views to assist with completing a full picture of yourself. Remember NOOT, that you have become as you are as a result of DNA and experiences from the past … do not put yourself down or denigrate yourself. Seek to have understanding, empathy, and compassion for yourself.